The Dating Series: What if I never stop searching in fear of settling?

This is the 4th story in The Dating Series. Read on to see what our dater feels is most important in a partner, and also why those things might keep our dater searching for that perfect partner.

1. How old are you?

I will be turning 29 this September. The big 3-0 is right around the corner.

2. Do you date older or younger? Or is age just a number?

My preferred age range would be 24 - 33 years old. Yes, older women as well. I feel this age range fits my personal experience, struggle and phase that I am currently going through.

3. How do you meet people? Dating app? Through friends? Clubs?

Being 29, school is no longer much of an option. Sounds cliche, but online seems to be the way to go. Just like school clubs to make friends, social media such as Facebook is a great alternative. FB has a similar setup, Facebook Group pages. Join ones with your interests and passions. This is perfect for me as I prefer a partner that is similar to myself. I personally enjoy traveling, hiking, photography, and a little acting.

How? It is quite simple, kind of. Love yourself. Everyone is drawn to happy individuals. I too want to share a piece of that happy pie. 

4. Do you date just Hmong people, or other ethnicity as well?

I do not oppose non-Hmong; however, it is just easier for my parents/grandparents to get along due to differences in language & culture. I would prefer everything to go as smoothly as possible. 

What if I meet a non-Hmong woman? If it happens, it happens. Love is love, love is blind. I would love her just as much, with no regrets.

5. What do you look for in a partner?

- Someone similar to me; however, the most important feature would be self-love. It is hard to love another if one cannot love one's own self. I kind of touched base on this earlier, a happy person. Happy people are just so beautiful. When I am happy, it is much easier to focus on my goals and dreams. I hope to one day meet someone who is like this. Someone who is working on growing and chasing her dreams while still accommodating my growth, passions, and dreams.

- Confidence in one's self. Self-love is kind of in here as well, I supposed. Someone who does not need another person to validate their beauty. Do not ask to be beautiful, be beautiful. Confidence is sexy.

- Here comes the shallow, superficial stuff, yes...standards. We all have those correct?

• I really enjoy a beautiful smile. Bad breath and yellow teeth may turn me off...more than likely.
• Height. Yes, there is a height preference as well. I am not quite tall myself, 5'6'', so it would be nice for my children to be genetically gifted. Shooting very high here, 5'4'' would be nice. Highly doubt I am very strict on height standards, so let us just say it would be a plus if she is tall.
• Athletic build to fit my lifestyle. I enjoy lots of physical activities such as running, hiking, jogging, sightseeing, traveling, etc...Anything fitness related minus sports.
• Knowing how to speak Hmong in both pronunciation and enunciation is a huge plus. I grew up not having superb Hmong pronunciation. With lots of work and practice, I am quite well at it today. I really appreciate hearing properly pronounced consonants that are commonly hard for Hmong Americans.

6. What are things that turn you off? 

- A person who gives little to no input in the relationship. One of my huge pet peeves would be replying back with a thoughtless response. For instance:

     Me: "Hey ear, what would like to eat tonight?"

     Her: "Up to you, I don't care."

To answer like this is just pure laziness. If knowing the response is like this, might as well talk to a wall. I used to be like this actually. It takes a few seconds to say something like, "Sweety, I feel like Korean BBQ today."

- A needy person. Do not need me. I do not need you. You are more than just a need, you are a want. You are not the oxygen nor water needed yet taken for granted. You are the diamond I have always dreamed and wanted. Be a diamond.

7. What types of things do you do to attract potential partners?

Keep focusing on yourself. It goes back to the whole self-love. People see and are attracted to it. Push yourself and plan for the future while living in the now.

8. What are the struggles with dating right now?

2020 has been a unique year. COVID is definitely not making it any easier. The main struggle is being busy due to life. The simple excuse of "I am too busy" is quite easy to default to. We are all busy, but I am sure that it is possible to squeeze more in. Remember to set aside some time to do the pleasures in life. A few planned date nights and self-time would not hurt. This actually transfers over to a healthier future relationship.

9. What are the different levels of a relationship?

Talking --> Dating --> Marriage

10. What does it mean when you are "talking" to someone?

I believe talking is not exclusive, but the next step is towards being exclusive. You can talk to multiple people. I actually do not mind and prefer someone talking to multiple individuals. It is not siab coob, it is a way to truly know oneself. Thanks to everyone before, I know more about myself now. I know all of what I prefer and do not prefer in someone. 

11. DTR? What is that?

Define The Relationship - Relates to when the relationship starts getting to an awkward talking phase where both parties are unsure what they are to the other person. Where many just want to ask "what are we?" or "what am I to you?". Just do it, and ask those questions. 

Define the relationship. Or you could wait to guess. A prime example, getting ghosted. Unfortunately, it is not as easy as a few messages, dates, phone calls to figure out if it is meant to be. I am slightly older so I do not have a whole lot of time waiting around if the other person is ready for a relationship. 

12. What is your definition of dating?

Being exclusive. However, I have thought about the concept of open relationships. Most of us cannot imagine ourselves being in an open relationship; however, have been through the Talking Phase. But they are both very similar, having multiple consenting partners, exploring their options. The only true difference is one is "official" while the others are not. Just a thought.

Dating could be monogamous or polygamous, consent of everyone involved is key to any relationship. I am monogamous. 

13. When you are dating, do you date for fun or for marriage? 

From a very young age to now, I have always been picky and dated for marriage. It is strange that this is even a question? Why would anyone date for fun, or just in the short-term? Strange goals. To anyone out there who wants to find something short-term and for fun, go pick up a hobby. The heart is no hobby.

14. How important is it that you parents/family/friends like your girlfriend?

It's very important that my family likes my girlfriend so I try my best to find a woman that have common interests. It's only slightly important that my friends like my girlfriend so it depends on how close my friends are to me. If they are very close to me, then I would prefer that woman to not have any conflict with my friends. I prefer no drama. It gets hard to fit everyone's shoes. At the end of the day, it is most important that we both love each other.

15. How long before you introduce the person you're dating to your family, friends, etc.?

For friends, I would not mind it after a few dates during the talking stage. Family is a different story. I was raised in a household that do not believe a woman should visit a man. If ever, then that woman would be considered a disrespectful, attention-seeking poj laib. This older mindset really rids of any opportunity to know compatibility with the family before marriage. Whether my parents agree to it or not, once official, she will be around the family often.

16. What other thoughts do you have on dating?

- Everyone strives for perfection and also look for it in a mate. I have dated older and younger women and to be frankly honest, age really is just a number. We all have our little issues and problems. We have baggage, take it or leave it. Baggage gets the connotation of being negative; however, it really is a positive. To find someone who truly loves you and is willing to risk their heart for who and what you are despite knowing your baggage. 

- To give yourself a chance. As hesitant as we are to giving others a chance, i believe we are more hesitant at allowing ourselves the opportunity to give others a chance. I hope this statement makes sense. Stop saying no to yourself. Going on dates are harmless, and we should date more often to get out of our own comfort zone. It is honestly a great way to grow. People put too much pressure and emphasis on dates. It is just a date, nothing more and nothing less. Go and give yourself a chance.

- I am actually scared of meeting the one. What if I settle? What if I never stop searching in fear of settling? What if they are not the one? Questions will always be questions until filled in. I am still scared of meeting the one, but cannot wait.

17. Do you believe in a soul mate?

I know for a fact I do not believe in fate. I just cannot agree to the fact that no matter what I do, I am bound to this so-called fate. I control myself and mark my own path. Therefore, I also do not believe in a soul mate. 

To read our other stories in this Series, click directly on the links below:

The Dating Series: Sex Is Important

The Dating Series: Marriage Is Not On My Mind

The Dating Series: Nothing Is Real

Thank you for reading!

- The Story Cloth Shop Team