The Dating Series: Marriage Is Not On My Mind

This is our second story of the Dating Series. In this story, our dater shares about what it's like to look for someone who isn't necessarily searching for marriage, and someone who she can share in this next stage of life with. 

1. How old are you?

42 years old.

2. Do you date older or younger men?

I'm pretty open to all ages, but honestly, I've been meeting a lot of younger people. I've met a handful of older men, but 90% of the men I meet are under 35. Most are them are very nice, but a lot of them are getting settled down. They are looking for someone to get married with and have kids which is great, but that's not what I'm looking for.

3. How do you meet people?

Through friends. Online/social media. I'm using the Facebook dating app. I've used Tinder before and that didn't go anywhere. I also meet people at clubs, bars, and just out on the town.

4. Do you date Hmong people only?

I've gone out with a few Caucasian men but I would like to just date Hmong men. That's why sometimes the places to meet them feels very limited. 

5. What do you look for in a partner?

Right now I'm looking for someone who is established and have lived part of their life. Someone who has had some life experiences, and is stable.

Usually when I go on a date, I'm pretty open minded. If nothing else, we can be friends unless they are dropping hints that they want to pursue me romantically. If it's romantic, I'm more hesitant to go out with them. If they can hold a conversation, then I'll be more inclined to go out with them. We should enjoy similar things. That lets me know that it could lead to something more. 

Definitely no short guys.

Nowadays, it's harder to gauge if people are serious or not.

6. What are turn-offs in a partner?

Someone who still lives at home. There's a difference between living with your parents, and your parents living with you. 

Someone who is not responsible. I understand that we all like to have a good time, but take care of yourself. You have to be at least financially stable, have a decent job, and have a your own goals and dreams.

And the usual turn-offs, men who are arrogant, rude, disrespectful, and violent.

7. How do you attract a partner? 

I laugh. Body language is big for me. If I'm interested in someone, I find a way to be closer to him. If he's talking to me, I would find a way to be physically closer to him. But that's usually it.

8. What are the struggles with dating right now?

Finding someone my age who is in the same stage of life. A lot of men I meet want to get married. Even if the men are older, they still want to get married. I’m done having kids. My kids are almost grown, and I’m ready to live the second part of my life where I have a lot of freedom. It’s like being a teenager again but we have money. I want someone who wants to have the finer things in life. Maybe they’re hiding. And because of where I am and being a single parent, I don’t have 24/7 to spend with you. As an adult, I want an adult relationship and that’s hard to do. Some of the guys I’ve dated want someone who can devote more time to them, and I’m not that person.

The ones that I’ve met that are okay, I’m just not attracted to or they’re short. I would love to date a Hmong guy. There’s something about them that are hard to find in other people.

9. What does it mean when you are “talking” to someone?

Talking is very loose. Talking is in the early stage and no talk of commitment. There’s mutual interest but there’s no obligation or commitment. You’re talking regularly, whether that’s daily or weekly.

10. What’s your definition of dating?

Dating is exclusive. Boyfriend/girlfriend.

11. What's been your best date?

I enjoy doing activities. Bowling is always fun. Loser doing pushups or drinks. Dating seems so casual nowadays. It’s not like that where someone plans it out, and takes you to a nice place and you get all dressed up.  

 12. What was your worst date?

I haven’t had any worst date. I’ve been lucky. Dinner or movie, the usual, but I haven’t had any bad dates and cut it short. I’ve been very lucky.

13. Has there been one person that you have been in a relationship that has made an impression on you?

Nope. I haven’t seen anyone for an extended period of time. In the last year, it’s been very superficial. I haven’t had any real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. No one’s made an impact on your life.

14. When you are dating, do you date for fun, for marriage, long term? Why?

Marriage is not on my mind. It’s not a goal. Someone asked me recently, and I have no timeline. He was 40/41, bachelor, never married, and he’s on a timeline, and wants to be settled down and have kids. I’m looking for companionship, for an adult and have fun with. I would love to find someone long-term.

Is marriage in the long-term? I’m open to that.

15. How important is it that your parents/family/friends like your boyfriend?

It’s very important. I have a couple of girlfriends, and they always joke that my boyfriend has to pass through them. I’ve had some dates that they crashed.

My family and friends are a huge part of my life, and for this person to not be liked, that’s going to be a big issue. That’s not going to work because how I am is how my friends and family are.

16. How long before you introduce the person you’re dating to your family, friends, etc.?

Just as a person, I don’t have an issue introducing them. But to do the whole boyfriend introduction thing, there’s no timeline. Hopefully before we are boyfriend and girlfriend they’ll have gotten to know my family already.

17. How important is sex in a relationship?

It’s very important. It’s something that is very intimate that you share between you two.

Casual sex is great. We’re all adults. I think growing up, a lot of us were taught sex should be saved for marriage, but to me, sex is a physical need that everyone has. And if you want to explore that, everyone is entitled to.

One night stands are great. No strings attached but I think only some people are able to do that. If that’s something that you enjoy and are safe and smart about it, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Usually it’s not the body that turns me on, it's the personality. Arms and butt – it’s a good thing. That comes into play with personality. If it’s casual sex, as long as they as there is chemistry. I like guys who are aggressive and direct.

Favorite position?

doggy position

What do you think about foreplay?

I think it depends on how much time there is. Obviously, if it’s unplanned and one night stand, but if there is, yes, foreplay is part of sex, the kissing and all that is part of intimacy.

What's your fantasy? 

I enjoy good sex so being able to enjoy each other and pleasure each other without being rushed.

Any last notes about sex?

Sex is very important. So finding someone you are sexually compatible with. Someone who is open to exploring and trying new things. Hmong people are close minded about sex. Everyone’s had sex. I hope that at this time, people know that sex is very natural, and having sex or being intimate with someone, it’s all very natural.

I’ve been with exuberant lovers, and some who don’t try. I think if you’re very honest and open, you’re able to enjoy it more. He’s not going to know what he likes and he won’t know what you like.    

18. What other thoughts do you have on dating?

It’s so different this time around. I also feel like because we’re older, we’re unable to give up with what we want. We don’t want to change like we were in our 20s. We’re unwilling to compromise. We are okay with who we are, and it’s not that we are stuck up but we aren’t willing to deal with certain things, if you can’t meet us at our level, don’t get all butt hurt.

We hope you enjoyed this story! To read the first story in this series, click on the link below:

Dating Series: Nothing is Real

As always, thank you for reading. If you would like to share your dating stories, please email us at kaolee @ thestoryclothshop.com.

- The Story Cloth Shop Team