In honor of Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to raise up this topic that most don't really talk about. I know that every woman's story is different and so are their experiences. I recently reached out to a few women to ask if they'd share their stories, experiences, and hardships of carrying the weight of infertility while also being Hmong. If you continue reading, your heart will break to hear what this woman's gone through. No one has ever prepared a woman to go through infertility and being of Hmong descent, it makes it so much harder.
"Being a Hmong nyab is already stressful but when I’m also having issues with infertility, it makes me feel like a failure to myself as a woman and to my husband. In the Hmong culture, they expect the daughter in law to continue the generation by having kids. My first year of marriage, my mother-in-law and all the other women of the family already started asking when I was going to have a child. Second-year rolls around, still nothing. They still ask but now also gossip behind my back.
I was a bigger lady so I ate healthily and worked out a lot. I lost a good 20+ lbs. I got Hmong herbs to drink and to cook with eggs and also got a tummy massage too. All that yet still no baby. During the 4th year into the marriage, I decided to seek an Obgyn to see if there was anything wrong with me.
In the Hmong culture, they tend to blame the ladies first. I had lots of appointments and lots of labs to be drawn. It turned out I had polyps in my uterus which needed to be removed and I also had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). PCOS doesn't make me sterile but it means I’ll have a longer and harder time to have a kid but doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t. I had my polyps removed, yet still no luck. I had an HSG exam to check my tubes, but I was also normal. At this point, my medical bills were adding up. My husband also got himself tested and he checked out too. I was stressed out.
Whenever I show up at gatherings, all the women will ask:
“Any kids yet?”
“You guys have been married so long, go see a doctor.”
“You're not getting younger, hurry and have some kids.”
“Have kids so your parents and in-laws can see them before they leave this world.” “
If you don't have kids who're going to take care of you when you get old? Who’s going to bury you” etc....
I was depressed. All these medical debts and no luck. Now all the questions every single time. I slowly distanced myself and stop going to gatherings. Even though I know my in-law's side is talking about me not being a good nyab by showing up to help etc. How can I come when everyone lines up asking the same thing? It hurts. I don’t need to be reminded. But yet they always remind you that you failed as a wife and daughter-in-law.
What’s worse was that my own mother even suggested me to let my husband married a second wife. She can stay home and my husband and I can just work and provide for whatever she'd need or want. At this time, I had a close friend who was recently divorced with kids, so my mother said to let him marry her. We are friends too so it'd be easier and plus she had kids so it meant she was fertile. It shattered my heart to a million pieces. Even my own mother saw me as a failure.
Everywhere I went, it made me ashamed to say "I’m married," because this is always the questions: “Are you married or single? How long have you’ve been married? Any kids? No kids? Why not? Have you’ve tried Hmong herbs? Have you’ve got tummy massage or seen a dr? What did the doctor say?”
Some days I feel so depressed. I silently cry myself to sleep or on my way to work and even in my dreams. We grew up learning that a woman with a period will conceive a child. We weren’t taught that there are some who will struggle with infertility, hormones, thyroid, PCOS, and many other difficulties. The Hmong don’t understand what PCOS is nor infertility.
I feel treated as an object. If it works cool, if it doesn’t, just buy a new one. They will never ask how am I holding up going through all of this, or if I need someone they are there. No! They won’t tell you that. They will keep suggesting all sorts of herbs and so on.
What they don’t know is that sometimes it's so hard that I began to lie to them and became good at it. “ Oh we’re not ready yet," " We still want to travel first," "We” ll think about it someday but not right now.” It's depressing and exhausting to be a Hmong nyab with infertility issues. If they would be a bit more understanding and put themselves in my shoes. Infertility hurts."
The ignorance on infertility is astounding in the Hmong community. If you are experiencing this medical condition, please see a medical doctor for advice and care. If the Hmong believe that family is so important, we should treat each other with love and respect. Furthermore, Hmong women should support each other as grandmothers, mothers, sisters, and daughters.
My friend had the same problem and I recommended her to take birth control to stabilize her period. She took it for one month, came off of it and became pregnant afterwards. Any and I mean “any” person can have these issues, man or woman. It may also reside in the foods you eat. Not every vegetable, fruit, or meat is healthy for you. I believe this strongly, because I had health issues until I read a book called The Plant Paradox and stopped eating what was on the list. My constant stomach pain went away and my fibroids stopped throbbing, because there was something in the food that was probably feeding the fibroids. Those things tried to kick my daughter out of my belly, by forcing contractions at 4 months of pregnancy. It was scary. According to this book, a man who was sterile, got his wife pregnant by accident at the age of 60, after changing the food he ate. It’s hard to fall on deaf ears, but do not listen to the nay sayers. Enjoy your life. Stop trying. Give up sex for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the passion again. You just never know. Read the book. You’ve already invested this much time into trying, why not invest some time into reading The Plant Paradox, both you and your husband. I hope the days goes for way.
To make it short, my husband and I dated for 7 yrs before getting married. Right after marriage we started trying with no luck. I was referred to a specialist and was later on diagnosed with what many of you already have… PCOS. We first tired western medicine with no luck and then Hmong medicine with no luck.
I’ve received back slash from my mother-in-law and her friends the most. She would openly talk about my infertility as if I’m not in the room. Their response is, “that’s too bad, and we can’t help her”. So if it were the son’s fault are you able to help him? You would think that these are the women we look up to in times of doubt. They’re supposed to be role models for us. Not only are we struggling to meet the needs of being a good Nyab and wife we are also struggling in hopes to become a Mother. We don’t need any more stress added onto our plate.
The older Hmong generation has little sympathy for women like us. In their eyes we are defective. We are replaceable. We are incapable of completing such a simple task that all women (back in their days) were able to do.
My husband isn’t the best person to rely on for emotional support too. Many times I only have myself. I don’t think men fully understand us although they may say they do. If your husband has considered a 2nd wife or cheated on you, shame on them and honey you need to leave him. No man, especially your husband should even take that thought into consideration. You are a team. He should be walking this journey with you not walk all over you!
God has been the source of my refuge and I want each and every one of you to know that it’s not your fault. You are worthy; you should be loved regardless of your condition. If it is His will it will happen on His time.
I can completely relate to this article. Having had 9 pregnancies and only 4 live, it was difficult. After my 2nd pregnancy which was also my 2nd miscarriage, I was told by my mother in law that if I don’t listen to exactly what she says and I end up having another miscarriage, that I better not go to her seeking for help afterwards. Oh how it broke my heart and knowing this was coming from my husbands own mother. I sometimes wonder how I made it, still married to my husband even after all these hurtful comments.
Our Hmong culture still has a lot to overcome and to learn. A Nyab is not an object but rather a human being that wants to be treated just like any other human being would want to be treated. There are many options out there in trying to get pregnant. Having sex is not the only option nor last resort in conceiving. My only hope is that my childrens generation is better then the one we’re in now.
The Hmong Community suck. They will never understand because they are close minded. Having children will not define who you are as an individual. As long as you are happy with yourself then other peoples opinion shouldn’t matter. Hmong ppl are ignorant mother fuckers.