In honor of Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to raise up this topic that most don't really talk about. I know that every woman's story is different and so are their experiences. I recently reached out to a few women to ask if they'd share their stories, experiences, and hardships of carrying the weight of infertility while also being Hmong. If you continue reading, your heart will break to hear what this woman's gone through. No one has ever prepared a woman to go through infertility and being of Hmong descent, it makes it so much harder.
"Being a Hmong nyab is already stressful but when I’m also having issues with infertility, it makes me feel like a failure to myself as a woman and to my husband. In the Hmong culture, they expect the daughter in law to continue the generation by having kids. My first year of marriage, my mother-in-law and all the other women of the family already started asking when I was going to have a child. Second-year rolls around, still nothing. They still ask but now also gossip behind my back.
I was a bigger lady so I ate healthily and worked out a lot. I lost a good 20+ lbs. I got Hmong herbs to drink and to cook with eggs and also got a tummy massage too. All that yet still no baby. During the 4th year into the marriage, I decided to seek an Obgyn to see if there was anything wrong with me.
In the Hmong culture, they tend to blame the ladies first. I had lots of appointments and lots of labs to be drawn. It turned out I had polyps in my uterus which needed to be removed and I also had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). PCOS doesn't make me sterile but it means I’ll have a longer and harder time to have a kid but doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t. I had my polyps removed, yet still no luck. I had an HSG exam to check my tubes, but I was also normal. At this point, my medical bills were adding up. My husband also got himself tested and he checked out too. I was stressed out.
Whenever I show up at gatherings, all the women will ask:
“Any kids yet?”
“You guys have been married so long, go see a doctor.”
“You're not getting younger, hurry and have some kids.”
“Have kids so your parents and in-laws can see them before they leave this world.” “
If you don't have kids who're going to take care of you when you get old? Who’s going to bury you” etc....
I was depressed. All these medical debts and no luck. Now all the questions every single time. I slowly distanced myself and stop going to gatherings. Even though I know my in-law's side is talking about me not being a good nyab by showing up to help etc. How can I come when everyone lines up asking the same thing? It hurts. I don’t need to be reminded. But yet they always remind you that you failed as a wife and daughter-in-law.
What’s worse was that my own mother even suggested me to let my husband married a second wife. She can stay home and my husband and I can just work and provide for whatever she'd need or want. At this time, I had a close friend who was recently divorced with kids, so my mother said to let him marry her. We are friends too so it'd be easier and plus she had kids so it meant she was fertile. It shattered my heart to a million pieces. Even my own mother saw me as a failure.
Everywhere I went, it made me ashamed to say "I’m married," because this is always the questions: “Are you married or single? How long have you’ve been married? Any kids? No kids? Why not? Have you’ve tried Hmong herbs? Have you’ve got tummy massage or seen a dr? What did the doctor say?”
Some days I feel so depressed. I silently cry myself to sleep or on my way to work and even in my dreams. We grew up learning that a woman with a period will conceive a child. We weren’t taught that there are some who will struggle with infertility, hormones, thyroid, PCOS, and many other difficulties. The Hmong don’t understand what PCOS is nor infertility.
I feel treated as an object. If it works cool, if it doesn’t, just buy a new one. They will never ask how am I holding up going through all of this, or if I need someone they are there. No! They won’t tell you that. They will keep suggesting all sorts of herbs and so on.
What they don’t know is that sometimes it's so hard that I began to lie to them and became good at it. “ Oh we’re not ready yet," " We still want to travel first," "We” ll think about it someday but not right now.” It's depressing and exhausting to be a Hmong nyab with infertility issues. If they would be a bit more understanding and put themselves in my shoes. Infertility hurts."
15 years ago i met my husband we got married rite afterwards 1st year went by no kids my mnk started to tell me that i was too fat thats why i couldnt get pregnant, a couple of her friends daughters got pregnant and didnt know who the baby daddy was my mnl told me to allow him to marry her and maybe if i show the child love i will have my own children, i was sad but accepted the fact that i may not be able to have children of my own so allowed him to, luckly my husband was very understanding and refuse to find himself another wife , 3 years go by and still no children was sad and felt pretty worthless, i was actually to a point in my life where i was actually suicidal, thinking to myself that if i just died he can find himself a new wife and have children of his own, but i knew that i at least had to try decided to seek fertility treatment , had surgery and 5 months after found out i was pregnant i was so happy, so ladies understand that where there is a will then there is a way always beleive in yourself miracle do happen maybe later on in life but children will come when u least expect it.
What an amazing article! Bringing awareness to our community. I am so proud of all the women who are speaking up and just owning their PCOS. You women are my hero’s!
My story like yours and many other women, are very similar. But I realized that if you just keep talking about it and mo action is being done to make changes, then it’s a repeating cycle. Blaming others, blaming yourself, feeling depressed, allowing others words to bring sadness or pain to you.. I learned to change my life. I had pcos, gestational diabetes, miscarriages, d&c’s, genetic disorder as well. I learn that we can change our future. We can eat better and live better. Don’t let struggles and obstacles hold us back or hinder us from our life. Even if you cannot bear children, keep on living. You’re breathing and that is already beautiful.
I have no shame expressing about my experience of infertility. I was married with my first husband when was 18 and a year after i had an ectopic pregnancy. If you are not aware of an ectopic pregnancy is when the baby fertilize outside of your uterus and outside on your fallopian tube. So i had surgery, and my left tube was completely blocked. I only have a 50% chance of conceiving on my right side. After many judgmental from my ex husband family side saying this and that and my ex husband was seeking for other womens, I then realized i needed to leave him. I did and after 4 months of being single i met my husband now. And we have been trying for a 6 years but still no luck. But I was never feeling hopeless cuz i know deep inside that im a good person and my shaman will protect me through thick and thin and will hand over babies to me when is the right time. A year later, i told my husband that we have to go seek for help and we did. So i had my HSG tested and my right fallolian tube is naturally had some tissues. So my doctor recommended infertility and we went for it. My first trial was a success and i was able yo conceived and give birth to my handsome son now he just turned 2 and a year later also give birth to my beautiful daughter and she’s 5 months. Some hmong women out there are ashamed of themselves and refused to open up about their conceiving condition and issues but I as an experienced person and when thru that phrase believe that we shouldn’t feel embarrass ( txa muag ) about opening and i encourage you all to feel confident and take another step and go for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). My last words are "please feel positive about yourself and dont be afraid to go for it cuz there is no regretting is only lesson for you to learn. And at the end if you have the positive vibes then your pregnancy results will turn out positive. Good luck to all my hmong sisters!
This article touched my heart so much. I struggle with an underactive thyroid which makes pregnancy hard and if I do conceive, it makes it dangerous for the baby. My mother in law once asked me if I didn’t want kids and I explained to her that I did but that my thyroid makes it complicated to have one. She looked at me like I was lying and it hurt so much. Thank you so much for writing this article and sharing it; our Hmong community needs to know.