In honor of Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to raise up this topic that most don't really talk about. I know that every woman's story is different and so are their experiences. I recently reached out to a few women to ask if they'd share their stories, experiences, and hardships of carrying the weight of infertility while also being Hmong. If you continue reading, your heart will break to hear what this woman's gone through. No one has ever prepared a woman to go through infertility and being of Hmong descent, it makes it so much harder.
"Being a Hmong nyab is already stressful but when I’m also having issues with infertility, it makes me feel like a failure to myself as a woman and to my husband. In the Hmong culture, they expect the daughter in law to continue the generation by having kids. My first year of marriage, my mother-in-law and all the other women of the family already started asking when I was going to have a child. Second-year rolls around, still nothing. They still ask but now also gossip behind my back.
I was a bigger lady so I ate healthily and worked out a lot. I lost a good 20+ lbs. I got Hmong herbs to drink and to cook with eggs and also got a tummy massage too. All that yet still no baby. During the 4th year into the marriage, I decided to seek an Obgyn to see if there was anything wrong with me.
In the Hmong culture, they tend to blame the ladies first. I had lots of appointments and lots of labs to be drawn. It turned out I had polyps in my uterus which needed to be removed and I also had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). PCOS doesn't make me sterile but it means I’ll have a longer and harder time to have a kid but doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t. I had my polyps removed, yet still no luck. I had an HSG exam to check my tubes, but I was also normal. At this point, my medical bills were adding up. My husband also got himself tested and he checked out too. I was stressed out.
Whenever I show up at gatherings, all the women will ask:
“Any kids yet?”
“You guys have been married so long, go see a doctor.”
“You're not getting younger, hurry and have some kids.”
“Have kids so your parents and in-laws can see them before they leave this world.” “
If you don't have kids who're going to take care of you when you get old? Who’s going to bury you” etc....
I was depressed. All these medical debts and no luck. Now all the questions every single time. I slowly distanced myself and stop going to gatherings. Even though I know my in-law's side is talking about me not being a good nyab by showing up to help etc. How can I come when everyone lines up asking the same thing? It hurts. I don’t need to be reminded. But yet they always remind you that you failed as a wife and daughter-in-law.
What’s worse was that my own mother even suggested me to let my husband married a second wife. She can stay home and my husband and I can just work and provide for whatever she'd need or want. At this time, I had a close friend who was recently divorced with kids, so my mother said to let him marry her. We are friends too so it'd be easier and plus she had kids so it meant she was fertile. It shattered my heart to a million pieces. Even my own mother saw me as a failure.
Everywhere I went, it made me ashamed to say "I’m married," because this is always the questions: “Are you married or single? How long have you’ve been married? Any kids? No kids? Why not? Have you’ve tried Hmong herbs? Have you’ve got tummy massage or seen a dr? What did the doctor say?”
Some days I feel so depressed. I silently cry myself to sleep or on my way to work and even in my dreams. We grew up learning that a woman with a period will conceive a child. We weren’t taught that there are some who will struggle with infertility, hormones, thyroid, PCOS, and many other difficulties. The Hmong don’t understand what PCOS is nor infertility.
I feel treated as an object. If it works cool, if it doesn’t, just buy a new one. They will never ask how am I holding up going through all of this, or if I need someone they are there. No! They won’t tell you that. They will keep suggesting all sorts of herbs and so on.
What they don’t know is that sometimes it's so hard that I began to lie to them and became good at it. “ Oh we’re not ready yet," " We still want to travel first," "We” ll think about it someday but not right now.” It's depressing and exhausting to be a Hmong nyab with infertility issues. If they would be a bit more understanding and put themselves in my shoes. Infertility hurts."
Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m still kinda young; my husband and I are in our mid-late 20s and we’ve been married for 3 years. My husband and I are currently in the early stages of trying and it’s already discouraging when my period comes and I’m not pregnant. I love my friends but seeing them with their kids and getting pregnant easily compared to me also stirs some feelings of bitterness. Sometimes, I want to tell Hmong people, “it’s hard to get pregnant” and, “I don’t know if I can get pregnant” because I know it took a long time for my mom to have me but Hmong people always have some sort of solution (ugh). I wish Hmong elders could be more considerate and I agree that we as a community need to educate ourselves on fertility and infertility.
I understand how you are feeling.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 7 months and been together for almost 6 years. The pressure of having a child is hard. Especially when there is so many moving parts to concieving.
I took the initiative to meet with my provider, and just cried. I did not know how much inferitlity could affect me until that day. The frustration because of no progress kills me everytime that stick says “negative”. I never knew how much a single line can hurt me.
So, I started learning more and more about my body. The way it is suppose to function. However, since I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, its harder to grasp my own body. But, I have not lost hope yet. As I believe that, there is a reason why I am not having a child yet, its just has not come to light yet.
I do wish that the Hmong community knew more about PCOS, because everyone is assuming that by someone having a “regular” menstrual cycle, that they can easily concieve. When the truth is, that is just the beginning to the “cycle”.
I would love to share more, but this is not my platform yet.
Best of luck and know that you are not alone. I am here too.
Man I felt like someone published my story without me telling it.
I too suffer from infertility for the past 11 years. Finally went to the doctors and it hurts more knowing the meds you try still cant help you. You end up spending thousands just to be in the same spot, can’t conceive. My in-laws and parents was always so supportive but being that my in-laws was Christian they say prayers work. I pray, cried, and beg the lord but nothing. After my last treatment failed I gave up on everything. I said lord you can’t give healing and answer prayers. My parents are shaman and suggested ua neeb or even shaman fortune telling but my in-laws won’t allow.
I didnt care and got my hand read just to realize it adds with what the shaman reader said. This lifetime if I am lucky just 1 baby but I have to really try and seek medical help. My husband said he only wanted 1 baby before getting my hand read. We were old lovers who died together because we didn’t get marry in the previous life. So before coming to the new life when we got reincarnated god ask if we wanted anything and we said as long as we have each other we are happy. We don’t care about wealth and kids.
I even let my husband court other women and tell him to make sure they concieve his child first before we make her my 2nd wife.
It came to the point where I have given up on myself and told my parents maybe I should have gotten knock up when I was younger when my pms was perfectly fine. I shouldnt have finished school, graduate, then focus on having a good career and kids.
But I realize its my fate. No amount of prayers and ua neeb is going to help. Its all on kuv txoj hmoo. Live one day at a time and appreciate what I have now.
You remind me a lot of myself! I’m going through the same situation as you. Everytime I try to seek someone to do jingle bell they always say “oh don’t worry it’s not time yet”. I’m almost 37 years old and still nothing but if it’s our fate it’s our fate, that’s what I tell myself all the time. So hang in there and be strong! I’m going to do the same and just one day maybe one day it’ll happen.
To all the beautiful women that are suffering and going through infertility, please know that you are put on this earth to do more then conceive. The Universe sees your worth even if culturally you are not seen. My husband and I’ve struggled with infertility for most of our 21 years of marriage. For my dear Hmong sister that has shared her heart, thank you and you are not alone. Every emotion and heartache you speak of is true but remember, you are so much more then what had been spoken of you. Be YOU, don’t hide it. I know how discouraging and sad it can be but don’t let others measure your worth. It took me so long to get to this point in my life and learn to forgive those that are ignorant, there is a sense of freedom that releases you of feeling the burden and carrying the weight. Infertility is not something that we choose or can control. We need to educate those that put a sense of stigma or shame to it. Compassion is still much needed in our culture in different realms but so much more with couples dealing with infertility.